writing got hands at least im at the last page
cool ongoing stuff
this is blog blablabla
this is it, the fabled psatcwot break mid cycle ! why the break ? ill talk about that later. The break itself will last a week.
but anyway, over the last week ive read a bunch of theater pieces so heres a ranking :
and i also have shakespear's othello, littoral by wajdi mouawad, and another piece lined up, but i think i have enough to start writing. im a bit caught up irl though so thatll have to wait a bit. toodles !
first of all, i know, the psatcwot updates have been inconsistent. Sometimes i skip a day or two. Its not ideal but, i have no excuse for this except that i forgot.
thats literally it i just forget some days lol
second of all, i have a redbubble shop !! its available at https://www.redbubble.com/fr/people/KPWU/shop. For now there are only 5 stickers, but more will come eventually.
just as I write this i realize that i haven't at all talked about a new tarot deck, wraith's voice, which is also available for purchase ! the arcanas are all custom made, meaning et all, so ill have to make an explicatory page for it.
also im very glad about this but, i have completely written up to c6 of psatcwot, and am currently doing research on c7. doing research bc c7 will be a theater play (or at least the script), so i want to get more acquainted with the medium, I.E im reading and watching different plays.
ok so now theres an RSS feed and i mean making the .xml file itself is simple but... if anyone has any way to, you know, make it look ok, please contact me. right now this is the best i can do, i have no idea how to do it otherwise, i mean ill try but yikes ! this looks bad and its so annoying.
alright ! alright. as im writing this, ive just finished writing cycle 4 of psatcwot. Now i have just a few things to do, like for exemple constructing the pages and deciding on a few final things. It shouldn't take much longer before cycle 4 starts publication.
i have to say, this cycle was hard to write. So far it was probably the hardest. First of all, due to its lenght. This is by far the longest cycle, and will probably remain so for a long time. 27 pages may not seem like much, only 1 or 2 more than c2, but these pages are all much, much longer. a lot happens in that cycle too, a lot more than the previous ones.
secondly, it was also hard to write because there were so many fight scenes. if you couldn't tell from c2, i have a lot of trouble writing combat. thankfully this cycle was a... a jump in a cold bath. hard, but you get used to it. sink or swim et all. i think in the end im happy with most fight scenes in this one.
and lastly, i was kinda burnt out. the campaign that c4 is based on was very, very long. it lasted close to a year, and that was a year of always planning, imagining stuff, and so on. When it was finally over and time to write the cycle, i was feeling a bit burnt out. i had to take a break, to organize my thoughts, and eventually started writing.
so in the end, this is a cycle that i enjoy. despite all the hardships, this will probably be my favourite cycle for a long time, and despite everything i still had a lot of fun writing it. whenever it releases, if you read it, thanks a lot ! i appreciate it.
excited to announce that SHITFUCKER BITCHEAD, my latest music album, is now released ! it's mostly a collection of old projects that were lying around, but i still do like some of the stuff there. the covers were a lot of fun to make as well. i commissioned one of my friends, @mantyz on instagram, to draw one of the covers (track 23). i also had fun naming the tracks. at some point ill post all the track covers on the art page.
should i write an exhaustive analysis of smt4 ? vote
heyy... i haven't really advanced at all on psatcwot c4. after like... a month ? a month and a half ? i only have 5 pages out of 30. this is maybe in part due to the fact i had my finals during that span, as well that i was generally exhausted from uni. im on break now so itll go a little smoother but...
FOOLED YOU HAHAHA IM RESTARTING ALL OF IT !!
kinda. the style i chose (see previous blog) for c4 is really cool ! it's a really interesting style that gives a lot of insight on things you wouldn't normally see ! it's also tedious as fuck to write something happening as a dialog between two characters who 1. aren't even seeing it happen first hand and 2. talk like [this] and are [gene_rally] tedious to write as.
and also, for the past few months i was working tirerlessly on the campaign, always imaginig stuff about it, making designs, ideas... so now that i have to write it, yeah i'm a bit drained from it all. so basically i will restart to write c4 in a more classical style. ill still keep the old version of the first 5 pages, and so imagine that r17 and r25 are always talking about what's happening, but i will rewrite the "real" c4 in a more normal style. sorry ! but it's either that or c4 will literally never release.
oh, also, im planning on making a pretty big overhaul to the site pretty soon (read : when i havve the time) so look out for that
right, so a few days ago i finished the roleplay campaign that will be cycle 4. meaning that i will now start writing that fourth cycle.
for a while i was unsure about how i wanted to tell that cycle, but i think i found a good compromise of fiction and reality as to how it will be told.
spoilers : it will be told as a conversation between two characters (r25 and r17) as they... do stuff. i feel ok saying who these characters are as it should be obvious since the start.
so i was feeling unsure about how to tell this cycle. initially i wanted to do a travel diary, as it would be fitting, but i fear the entries would be too short and not interesting enough. another problem with that is that diary entries are at least twice removed from reality. by that, i mean that first, something happens. describing that directly is nonce removed. then, you can make it so that its viewed from a character, either 3rd or 1st person. at that point it becomes once removed : the biases and beliefs of the character influences what the viewer reads. this can be very interesting if the reader is aware of it, as they now have a lot of insight as to how this character thinks. and then you can add another level : a diary. what a character writes in their diary is not everything they understand. they only write what they think is important, and the way they convey and write about it also becomes a source of information and takes a more important role than simply a stylistic one.
another thing about diaries, is that they are also reùoved from the action. you dont write a diary while the thing is happening, you write it later. this was a problem i was aware of that kept me from doing it this way : if i wanted to write a fight scene or an important event, now it was clear the character was able to escape and write about it. that character, unless theyre really into combat, would also not write how the combat happened. they would probably write "i thought this guy. i won." which would be boring and would remove any kind of suspens and makeevery fight very similar.
the reason why cycle 3 was a journal (except the final entry) is because it wasnt focused around combat. it wasnt around what they did and how they did it; instead cycle 3 is about enner as a character. what do they think, why they think it, how they progress, etc... for this kind of writing, a journal is very much adapted.
and as for why the final entry was not a journal : first of all, i wanted the reader to be uncertain about how it would end. i wanted tension to be built. second of all : when i first wrote cycle 3, it was under the form of short diary entries (most of them one or two pragraphs long) that were dissemintaed accross the cycle 4 roleplay campaign. the final entry was only the conversation told via the communication system in that final page. and while that is very much serviceable as simple tidbits of lore scattered, it wasnt as part of a story. cycle 3 needed a strong end, a big finale before the curtain dropped, and changing the narrative style was important to that. it also allowed me to flesh lape out a lot more, as they are one of my favourite character but also one of the least utilized ones.
anyway kpwu out, as i will now start to write this god dang cycle
ough.... cat is sick maybe. i noticed she hadnt moved from her place in a while, and i tried to feed her but she wouldnt eat. i bought wet food and shes eating a bit, and ill call the veterniarian tomorrow but ough..
bad timing bc tomorrow is the last session of the campaign that will be psatcwot c4. i hope i wont have to report it or something.
im considering making an art page on this blog, it could be fun, but id have to modify every page ever a bit and thats ugh
about a month ago i started rewatching revolutionary girl utena at the rate of one episode per day.
i wanted to take my time watching it and also not spend all my time doing that, and that slower rhythm really helped. because i wasnt watching it over a super long period, as in doing it over three hours, i could be a lot more focused on what i was watching. i could really take in the details and the emotions of the characters, and in the end i think thats definitely how ill go about watching anime
also utena gets better every time. every time i watch it i remember stuff from my previous times and also notice new things, and this is definitely the show where knowing the ending is amazing on an analysis side. a lot of very subtle details that foreshadow very late things are present in the first episodes and continue to appear. most of these details are also all we have at seeing the true lore, like a lot of whats actually going on is not explained and is just very subtly hinted at
and also holy fucking shit. ikuhara is such a great story teller. this isnt true of utena only btw this is true of ALL of his works. the characters are always SUPER complex and in depth, and they always feel so human, and the emotions are always so strong. another thing ikuhara is amazing at is just... making a world. and then subverting your expectations of it. everytime at the start of the story you think that theyre in a normal world with a bit of paranormal/fantastical stuff, but then as the story goes on, you notice that the world is actually very very far removed from your reality, and that it just wasnt told, and that there are more fantastical elements than there are normal ones.
this happens all the time btw. and its amazing, bc then when you go back and rewatch/reread the story, and you already know the fantastical elements, there are soo many hidden things and easter eggs and its just the best thing ever.
ikuhara is a huge inspiration for my writing. of course this cant really be seen in psatcwot, as the fantastical elements are present ever since the start, but a later cycle (9) is a huge tribute to ikuhara (i hope it will be good enough)
also progress on psatcwot : today was the halfway point of cycle 3, there are 9 pages left. i havent started on writing the next cycle, because im preparing the last bits of the campaign, and cycle 4 is a retelling of that campaign, so i want to have the whole thing over before i start writing. i only have one short dungeon and the final boss to make and ill be done
nvm i kust finished writing cycle 3 so ill start on the css and the title soon
writing got hands at least im at the last page
hullo again ehhee
its been a bit of a while (only a few weeks but eh). ive been writing psatcwot c3 veeerry slowly, mostly bc i have a lot going on. im in uni so ofc i have that, but theres also the current ttrpg campaign i dm irl (which will be c4 btw) and all that stuff.
and still im thinking of starting a new project (dumb !), whichs a tarot card thing. a while ago (like 6months ? maybe more) i made a whole tarot deck, but now that i know more about that stuff i know that that deck is wrong, like no arcana ever follows the symbols and stuff, and overall i think i could do it a lot better. so soon-ish maybe im going to not only redo an entire deck (digital this time), but i think im also going to maake another site that explains tarot card meanings and stuff. there are lots of these sites on the regular internet, but theyre all super capitalist with 735746546 ads and stuff, whichs why i want to make my own (i did search on neocities some time ago but didn't find any
thats whats been going on. oh also !! ive been rewatching utena and its just as good if not bettet than i remember.
heeeyy,,, remember who said i won't use this as a dream log........
well no i said i wouldn't use this to log EVERY dream i have (there are too many, trust me)
anyway tonights dream is significant enough (though not as much as the prev one). it was the 2nd dream that night. i forgot the first and will tell the 3rd later.
so i was in a convenience store i thinK. there was some stuff leftover from the previous dream, like stuff in russian, and an airport, but it doesn't matter, and is forgotten fore evuhr. the convenience store was like really clean, the floor was tiled with large kinda glassy white tiles, and stuff. i was next to the cash register, but not behind it, that was a russian lady. then a homeless man comes in, and he starts buying the stuff thats behind the counter. like you know sometimes theres alcohol and liquor and cigarettes on the wall behind the cash register and you have to ask for it to the cashier.
so he gets stuff behind the counter, or rather asks for it and the russian lady (who wasn't speaking russian) puts it next to the cash register to scan it. i think he asked for electronics or something ? idk, and i never will (i don't think i ever did). so then after she gets the stuff she scans it, and the total is like, unbelievably expensive. this all happens next to me and i was a customer. so i start to speak up, and then the cashier invokes like, a, uh, a favor ? that she did to the homeless man. like a debt to be repayed, and it was her way of repaying it, because immediatly she shrinks the price down to a few bucks. (the og price was close to 2k). the homeless man is fine with it so he pays and he goes. i start to go as well. i have a lighter in my hand, its one of those where the gas tank is colorful transparent plastic. the rest of the convenience store is starting to look like an airport again. i look at the wall in front of me and there are magazines, each of them relating to one of mine or my friends hyperspecific interests. DREAM END
3rd dream i remember it was nighttime and i was outside in a foresty kind of place, and i start to wander in the darkness. i can't see shit but thats fine, and it doesn't really feel like im in the dark, more like my field of vision itself is always going to be dark. like ive never seen anything and never will. so i wander a bit like that, and i stumble into a wooden house. the house looks rather modern but yeah. and like, as soon as i 'see' it, i know what this house is, and i know the inside, and i know everything about it. so i wander around it, then get close to the entrance (theres no door, just a door shaped hole) and i go in and im all sneaky, like i know im doing something illegal and no one must see me. i also know i have a partner in crime whos doing the same in another part of the house, but i cant remember who they were (i can't now, could in the dream).
so i sneak around and stuff. then its another day i think ? and now there are people, and i must not be seen. i think the house was a rental house bc it was never the same people. so these are eating inside and theres candle light, and also i can see like normal now. i sneak around, but i make too much noise and a guy comes and points me out and i retreat. i try again a few more times then its another day. in retrospect i feel like the fact i could see is related to the fact that i made noise, idk how. another thing is that when i was sneaking around the first time it was a great feeling, like when you fly in a dream or something, but the 2nd time i knew it was to replicate that feeling and it didnt feel as good and stuff. the third time is during the day. thers mist and so the forest is all white. i go around sneaking in the house, but this time i can kinda glide over the ground. as i get a bit further from the house to a small shed, theres a gauy in the shed and i grab a stick (the stick is from another dream from another night btw) and the guy grabs sticks and throws them at me. i jump and dodge them and grab one, then rush to the guy but theres no one.
instead i just go to the shed and go inside, and when im inside people come outside. the people outside are holding some other guys who are feral and rabid or something, and it looks like theyre about to put them in the shed to hurt me. then my alarm activated and i woke up.
think of these what you will, bc i sure as hell don't know what to.
yeah actually i just finished the css and stuff
the title page is up
i finished writing the 2nd cycle a bit ago, and my players have checked it and are fine with it.
since its origin, psatcwot is based in roleplays. the 2nd cycle is the first campaign i ever gmed. that campaign, was, kind of a disaster. i also made it first, based only on a two word concept, then retroactively wrote all the lore, which is already published as the first cycle.
anyway, as i said earlier, cycle 2 is fully written, but i still have to make some assets, like css and a title page, so it will take a little bit more time until i publish it.
cycle 2 is about 5 to 6 times longer than cycle 1, and features actual characters with an arc and stuff. im pretty proud of it, but because of how... chaotic and anarchic the base material (ttrpg campaign) was, there isnt really any strong theme or message. of course, it still touches on some themes, but doen't necessarily say something about it.
i will also not publish the rule book of the original campaign, which were entirely homebrewed, because they kinda suck ass. that campaign was very boring and repetitive, and required heavy use of an excel spreadsheet for calculations. i mean, at the end, players could easily deal nearly one million damage every few turns, so yeah.
cope and seethe ig
The first cycle of psatcwot, Red Fields, is almost over. There are two pages left, so 14 total. after that psatcwot will take a short pause until i finish writing the next cycle.
psatcwot will be updated daily within the current cycle, with hiatuses and pauses between cycles, as i start to publish a cycle when it has already been fully written.
another thing about psatcwot : i already have plans for the next 12 or 13 cycles. in a bit i will enhance the psatcwot main page, with some stuff about the next cycles. ill also update the header of psatcwot pages, with navigation menues to the next and previous cycle and the next and previous page.
thats all for now !
im not doing very long updates bc my internet connection is really bad rn, im on holidays on the countryside. psatcwot will still update as usual, and i've already made all the pages for the current cycle so they just need to be put online, but this slow connection is still annoying.
took the train today
first one was good but the second train i was one got dealyed by a whole ass hour and it was an intercity train.....
how does that even happen ?? they tried to append another car to it twice and failed the two times they tried. congratulation.
i dream a lot, and i mean a lot. usually i have about 1 to 4 dreams a night, which i remember. i don't bother trying to completely recall or reflect on them though, but the one i had tonight i feel that i should.
it started like that : it was near the end or the middle end of an snes style jrpg, i think it was very similar to final fantasy 4. the 3 party members there were on my team were crono and marle from chrono trigger, plus a third one that i don't remember, but was maybe kefka or fawful, or a character in that style. that 3rd character was a dark mage with strong spells, and they had a mechanic called hero mode which would randomly activate when taking damage and would make them super strong.
anyway, the party was underground. they were fighting an army that had flying airships and that came from an underground nation. our goal was to go deeper and deeper undergound, to their capital. ill spare the details bc i remember quite a bit about the combat, like how battles went. (the battle were in the same style as chrono trigger but the overworld was like snes final fantasy games).
at some point we arrive in this great open cave. the rocks were gray and a grayish purple and in a deep chasm in the middle we could see bright red and orange magma. but there was no city, instead there was only a huge armada of airships. (i also remember that just before that i had revived chrono and marle, as the 3rd guy had been soloing all along). and the general of the enemy army had been waiting for us : this was an ambush. so we try to go back but the way is locked, and they chase us around with their airships but we fall down the chasm
this is were it really begins: the interesting part. we fall on a small ridge. there are a few people and a single house. below the ridge, there isn't a drak pit or boiling magma or anythins like that. in fact, there isn't... anything at all. only immobile static. the colors of everything on the ridge are very muted too. we speak to an npc, who tells us that this place is "the edge" and that if we want to know more we can go ask the old general inside, but that he will only listen if we bring someone to play music.
we speak to another npc, who can play music for us. we accept, the colors shift to be darker shades of blue and purple, all giving a very night-time look to the ridge. we then go inside the bar, and find the general. he's an old, tired man. he tells us that this place is the edge. before that, it was the old capital of the empire, but the void kept claiming more ground. as time went on, more and more places and buildings fell into the void, and everyone moved closer to the surface. the only people left are either those who can't or those who don't want to.
we understand that the reason the underground army was trying to invade the surface was to live there and escape the void. but the general says this : there's no escape from the void. it was there long before any city, and it will be there long after any city. one of the party members ask if we can fight it, like a generic super entity final boss threatening to eat reality in any jrpg, but the general only says this : "can you fight an earthquake ?". at this point, we didn't want to leave this place. i don't think we could anyway, but we didn't want to. it was a lot calmer than the war above, and if everything was going to fall into the void anyway, why try to fight back ?
dream over btw. i feel like i could probably make this in rpg maker easily enough.
as to how this dream could have come, snes jrpgs are something i like but i haven't touched any in a while, and the main theme of the dream kinda makes me think of penguindrum (which i finished yesterday), where learning when to stop fighting to prolong something that will inevitably end and not destroy everything to let it continue is very important. of course, i don't think the underground army was really at fault : they were under a threat that could have ended their world. and if they tried to simply come to the surface world to ask refuge, they would have been either manipulated to attack other nations, enslaved or other terrible things.
in a way, you could say that this world was already over. ever since the void started claiming ground, it was all over.
yuh this is a blog page now not an empty forever wip art page
anyway ill post here from time to time when i have something to say. and i made this page just now because i do !! i just finished mawaru penguindrum for the second time. and i am full of Thoughts™.
penguindrum or mawaru penguindrum is an anime released in 2015, directed by kunihiko ikuhara (more known for revolutionary girl utena). ikuhara's style is very known for its heavy symbolism and its surrealism. this of course can be seen very much in penguindrum. when i initially watched it, it was in the context of a binge marathon of all four of ikuhara's current anime (the other 3 being revolutionary girl utena, yurikuma arashi and sarazanmai), and after finishing the marathon, i ranked it as my least favourite. and honestly ? i don't know if i changed my mind
regardless of if ranking them is a good idea or not, my reason for that was that while the latter half is extremely well written, the first feels meandering and lost and overall pointless in the grand scheme of things. there was also the fact that, there is a lot of incestuous imagery and child nudity in the show, which i still think is disgusting, even if it pulls the good ol' "they were never brothers and sisters anyway !!!!".
but at the same time, the themes that that anime touches on, how it tells them, how it writes its characters' pathos and concludes it, all that is stellar, and on that front it's probably the one anime out of all of ikuhara's repertoire that does it the best (even if they all do it superbly).
and as for the first half... upon reflexion it seems like it's not as unnecessary as i thought. it serves to introduce some of the main characters and plants the seeds of their relationship. it's an arc that introduces ringo really well, as well as her personality and her goals and all that, which is very important. and while yuri and tabuki are not as important as they seem, they still serve a very important purpose in the show, and are instrumental in the message it tells. they are, after all, the primary exemples of the show's message. that said, does that first part drags on for too long ? yeah kinda.
another thing that makes this show so interesting and so good, is the sheer number of topics it touches. it's about fate, destiny, about generational trauma, about capitalism and its repercussions, about love, about found family, about letting go of someone wether romantically or in a grieving way, about self sacrifice, about fascism can make even good intentioned people commit heinous acts...
and you'd think that with this many topics, it would treat some of them less than others, right ? well no, each of these (and i didn't list them all) is talked about with great depth and respect and seriousness. and unlike utena, which also touches many topics, it's not just vague enough that you can put anything in it. utena is amazing, but the reason it connects with many people is that it sill correspond to many experiences no matter what. ikuhara wrote utena to be about growing up, but for me it was more about queer identity, about finding who you were and how others accepted you, about womanhood and the controlling patriarchy.
i don't think this is a flaw of utena, but penguindrum doesn't do it like that. while you could probably find some topics it touches on that weren't necessarily intended by ikuhara, it is specifically about all the topics i listed above and more.
another thing i loved about penguindrum, is how shameless it is. it will show us these extravagant setpieces, like the lingerie shop, the takakura's house, the giant statue/tower in the middle of tokyo, and not remark on it. it's one thing that ikuhara has always been good at, and one thing that is lacking in most mainstream anime. a lot of the time, i see ikuhara's work be referred as fantastical realism, as a normal world where magical or fantastical elements get introduced little by little. but i don't think this description is generally correct, as it implies that that world is like ours to begin with.
out of all of ikuhara's works, only one would fit that definition, being sarazanmai. the world in penguindrum is no exception : it is inherently magical, even if we do not see it. fate altering diaries, cursed ghost rabbits, the destination of fate, the fucking child broiler, the penguins and the penguin hat, all of it is inherent to this world. the characters weren't transported from a normal world to a magical one, nor did magical elements come to invade a normal world, all of it isinherent to this world and has been here since the start.
finally i will talk about the ending. at multiple points during this rewatch, i felt my heart scrunch up a bit and tears come to my eyes, but at no point did they flow out. in this anime, everything is sad. ever since the very first episode, when something happy happened to the characters, when they started to lick their wounds, to feel a kinship again, something devastating would happen. a terminal illness would start once more, a terrible secret would be revealed, anything to stop this warmth. this is probably due to the so called punishment dealt to the takakura family : they are not allowed to be happy. their parents have sinned greatly, and they are the punishment. they are the three lambs.
so of course, after all that, the thing in that anime that would get me to cry, would be to see them be happy. but i still cried tears of sadness. why ? because after seeing this found family come together despite everything and brave all odds to be happy, the only moment when they are happy is when they are separated. it's when we see them not know each other, in the now normal looking takakura house. this house is very symbolic : at the beggining, and throughout the show, it's painted in bright colors, and the interior is richly decorated like a doll's house. we know after a bit that shouma and kanba, himari's brothers, painted it and decorated it to make himari happy. they took this foreign house full of sad memories, and made it their own, turning the house itself into a happy memory.
but when we see the house at the end, it's exterior is a normal wood panneling. the inside is decorated like a normal home. the flowery and ornate crockpot is now replaced with a functional steel one. the height mark of the three siblings replaced with the ones of a single person, the family photos now all replaced by a single one. and in that normal everyday house, there's himari. himari healthy, yes, but himari alone. she is friends with ringo, and they do see each other, but the found family is now more. all she has left is the stuffed bear that siblings she never knew broke and sewed back together for her, with a note, "goodbye, your brothers". and this, this lonely happiness, the end of the family curse, this is what made me cry more thatn anything else.